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Do It Yourself Guide To Becoming an Evil Tyrannosaurus Rex Overlord

By ezetron the evil tyrannosaurus rex overlord

Pictures Jarko Rubino and ezetron jenkins (but mostly Jarko)

‘Tis I, ezetron (of evil tyrannosaurus rex overlord fame), and the blogtron has summoned me to post. You might be wondering how one attains the noble rank of evil tyrannosaurus rex overlord, or how you at home can become one. Well for starters, you’ve gotta be evil – or become evil if you’re not quite evil enough. That’s pretty simple. Just be a complete bastard. To everyone you know. Okay? Now that you’re working on that, let me hit ya with this… Are you an overlord?

the overlord of blogtronia

As you’ll notice, “overlord” is a part of the title – so if you’re not an overlord yet, you might want to work on becoming one. Sweet. What’s that? You don’t know what in the pink Christmas an overlord is? Well neither do I. I really just imagine an overlord being like a dude with a scepter or an outfit like Sean Connery wore in First Knight. These are two things that I personally happen to have. I literally have the suit that Sean Connery wore in First Knight which makes me the magna supra overlord. Don’t worry about what magna supra means – basically I’m the boss of you. Okay. So just work on the First Knight suit and the magical scepter – that’s really the key ingredient to your overlordship. Now the hard part… Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Academy Award ® Nominee Theodore Rex

and the incredibly untalented Whoopi Goldberg

Your attention may have been drawn to this part of the prestigious title when you first read it. Don’t be embarrassed. That happens to most people – novice mistake. Although this will be the most difficult part of your overlord induction process so we’ll exempt you. What you’ll need to do is first go to the closest museum, or fossil dig site as the case may be, and steal a little nibble of dinosaur bone. Obviously it’s gotta be from a T-Rex skeleton. Ha! You don’t want to end up a Raptor King or an Iguanodon Surprise! That would be most embarrassing! Hazzah!

The incorrigible Raptor King and the most unnoble Iguanodon Surprise

So, right, back to the ingestion of the T-Rex skeleton. Yeah, you gotta do it. Is it illegal to break off a little nugget of T-Rex fossil for a mid-day snack? Absolutely. But let’s be honest, if it were something completely reasonable like the first two steps then don’t you think everyone would be running around with ETRO status? Of course they would be. So go ahead. Commit that federal crime – soon the spirit of the creature from which it came will fill you up…and you’ll know. You’ll be more dinosaur than ever. More beast than man. It might be a little scary. You might have the urge to murder your best friend as you lose yourself to the insatiable lust for blood that haunts your every thought. But you’ll get over it. And if you don’t and you end up murdering your best friend, just make sure you don’t have a dinner party at his house and invite Jimmy Stewart in Rope.

Jimmy Stewart in a film that is certainly not Rope.

So basically there is one alternative to stealing the dinosaur fossil and eating it. However this gets a little tricky which is why if you accomplish your transformation in this fashion – you’ll be awarded the rank of high tyrannopriest. If you eat the dino-bone then you’ll just be an intermediate tyrannokusei. Should’ve mentioned that earlier. Whoops. But it’s not too late. If you committed the felony and ate a piece of dino-spine then you can still complete the following task and climb to the rank of high tyrannopriest. Okay, so basically you gotta go back in time to the Jurassic period. But don’t go yet because if you do your wireless connection will time out and you won’t be able to read what Phase Two is. Phase Two is basically just this… once in the Jurassic period find a T-Rex.

Chinese Checkers...

Less fun than China's other time-honored tradition - Opium  

If the television show Dinosaurs! taught us anything it’s that dinosaurs could talk and had developed consciousnesses and worked normal day jobs just like you or I. So find the T-Rex and challenge him to a game of Chinese Checkers. Make haste! This is no time to be shy! Go right up to the T-Rex and challenge him. No T-Rex can refuse a game of Chinese Checkers but they can run away before you ask them, if they suspect you’re going to do so. So just go right up to him and tell him you wanna throw down. Ill. Okay, now your prehistoric opponent may not trust you or he may be under the impression that you’re a night demon. If you want a little trick for calming him down, here’s a trade secret. Make him a cup of tea.

Tea-Rex, the fiercest predator... well next to, of course, Predator

T-Rexes love tea. Where do you think the nickname T-Rex came from? You think it was created solely based on brevity? That’s too bad. Not enough people know about tyrannoculture etiquette. All you gotta do is brew him up a fresh cup of earl grey and he’ll be all set for a Chinee Checker show down.

When you're a T-Rex - do you fly an F-14?

Next phase: You won! Congratulations! You’ve bested an extinct species in a borderline irrelevant board game! And if you didn’t win then you won’t need any further instructions because chances are the T-Rex murdered you and devoured your destitute corpse. So you’re probably wondering how you’ll physically obtain this rank of high tyrannopriest… Well it’s really quite a religious experience. First, you’ll have to climb inside the gullet of your opponent. Don’t worry. I know it seems like that shifty sunnuvabitch might try and eat you while you stand helplessly at the fringe of his digestive track. Fortunately for you, he can’t harm you or he’ll be banished to Meg Ryan’s basement – which, as you can imagine, is just Meg Ryan locked in the cellar of her home watching You’ve Got Mail on repeat. It’s at this time that you must climb down the T-Rex’s throat and into his soul. Here you’ll be reborn in a cloud of pixie dust as your new, tyrannopriest self.

Tom Ripley:  "I'm not just the president, I'm also a client..."

Alright so, you did it. You’ve joined the evil tyrannosaurus rex overlord class of ’08. You are now in the company of other ETRO members like Eric Walsingham, Good Will Hunting, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Eric Walsingham, and over 120 SAG acting members. Basically now you can just start to boss people around and don an undeserved sense of hubris. Also make sure to roar like a T-Rex every so often. It’s this that will alert all people in your general vicinity that you, the great and evil tyrannosaurus rex overlord, have arrived. Be sure to condescend to all Raptor Kings and especially those borderline-laughable Iguanodon Surprises. Enjoy your new life as an officer of greatness and truth. I know you’ll uphold the tyrannocode.*

The new, digitally enhanced conclusion to Return of the Jedi

*blogtron is not responsible for repercussions incurred during failure to obey the tyrannocode. Repercussions may include ancient Inuit hexes, sunken eyes, jaundice, diarrhea, shortness of breath, Jumanji, ghosts in the tub, failure to perform sexually, Voodoo, sassmouth, slip and fall injury lawsuit(s), and/or kitten fuzz.

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